Ang Kuwento ni Ida

Hey… I’ve been mum for quite a while. And believe me when I say it seemed like forever!!! I’ve learned how to settle things the way grown ups do — NOT! Hahahaha! Seriously, I never knew I could stay quiet for more than a day. But I did! I didn’t do sh*t, I just let things fall into place. And they did. My friends were very supportive (as they’ve always been), and our doggies were as lambing as ever
So as a true-blue scorpio, it’s my turn!!! Hahaha, kidding! I don’t need to do anything anymore cos the circus closed down and it was all the circus’ doing… I didn’t even have to lift a finger! Good job!!! Daymn!!! Some people really have to go the extra mile and try soooo friggin hard then fail… but lucky me, I didn’t even have to try Again, good job circus for making my life easier ;P
Well anyways… so I have good news. I’m going to the east coast in December for training, meet up with a good friend in NJ (and go shopping— thank you gawd for the tax-free state!), see the Smithsonian in DC and get my ass back home in time for xmas eve Bayleigh’s asking for a locket this xmas, and I need to get Libby groomed soon. I can’t attend the wedding where Bayleigh will be the first-time flower girl (was supposed to be part of the secondary sponsors) but it’s all good.
God has a plan for me. He’s always had a plan for me. And I’ve learned to trust that.

What’s with the f-ing weather?!? Aaargh! Super init kaya?!?! Bad trip. Night shift pa naman ako. I LOVE the night shift… seriously. But if this is how it’ll be when it’s bedtime… hmmm. Teka lang. Let’s reconsider (hahaha!)

How will we beat the heat wave then? Pagudpud!!! Excited nako.

Then before the year ends, Panglao naman! Kung ako excited, sino kaya yung malapit nang mag-panic buying ng sunblock?! (Uy, si Earl nagwawala… hahaha!) — he’s been sooo proud after helping Bayleigh break-in and be comfortable swimming.

Ikaw? Anong gimik mo? Wala?!?

Ay, loser.

Bayleigh Juliana turned 5 last month – 21st of January. She didn’t have a party anymore but she asked for Disney Princesses’ Plug n’ Play and a scooter. Yes, the scooter… the scooter that Earl and I desperately searched for in all the malls in Divisoria. How can we say “no” to a kid who has simple joys and does not ask for big things? So the search began… and ended after 3 hours. So where’s the scooter now? …it has joined all the other toys tagged as “for repair” after 6 days.

Our baby is all grown up now. She has learned to say “Mom, take control of yourself” when she sees me getting upset and frustrated. She has learned to clean our room before going to bed (sweeping the floor too!). She asks me if we still have money before telling me what she wants to buy (and asks if it’s too expensive too!). Well, she still wants to be spoon-fed every now and then, but if that’s the only thing left that makes me feel like she still needs me most of the time — bring it on!

Kids are very amusing. They’re sooo… innocent yet complex. They magnificently mastered the art of manipulating adults but have brilliantly understood that doing so should only be the last resort. What strikes me most is their transparency. It amazes me how candid and sincere they can be and have seen deceit only as an alternative if it will get them into trouble (like when I ask “who wrote on the walls?” and she mentions all her cousins’ names even if most of them don’t live with us…). But adults? Now that’s a totally different story.

Sincerity is one of my most valued virtues. Transparency, which goes hand in hand with honesty, is my motto in life (well, it’s one of my mottos… it comes second to Buffets). And yet, most of the time, the people we consider significant and important are the first ones to show us that life is really unpredictable. No formula or amount of planning can ever prepare us for the time when we get struck by deceit. No amount of time can ever make us recover after realizing that we have just been stabbed from behind. But then came the birth of the word coward. And that explains it all. Conversations With God Book I explained it best. People make decisions based on either of 2 emotions — anger or fear.

YOU have no reason to be angry. But what is there to fear of?

God gave us wisdom to know the difference between right and wrong. He also gave us free will to choose between the two. And that’s what sets us apart from animals.

I rest my case. And I know I’ll be able to sleep sound at night, knowing I did not feed anyone to the lions and stared at all my battles at their faces.

I moved to 24/7 Customer, still as a Trainer… and I’ve been enjoying my stay! Having part of Shaggedelia here was one of the reasons why I joined the company (aside from better pay, the shift, the location and "career growth" — which is pretty much everything, hehehe). I love my job! And I love working with different people. I miss the peeps at RCBC though — Abby (who’s leaving "soon"), PJ, Ibs, AnneRD, Mel… and the list stops there. (Bwahahaha!)

I started the year right and hopefully, everything will go smoothly for the rest of 2007. I’m changing yaya’s, and I’m just happy that Bayleigh is very understanding and easy to talk to. Cookie is still growing (she’s no longer a puppy and she can now finish 2 kilos of Eukanuba in one week!!!)… and cable tv has been installed in our room, finally (our dvd player is about to resign after playing Bratz and Barbie over and over). Hence, Bayleigh completely ignoring siesta time.

I think the best part about starting this year was re-evaluating my goals. I’ve realized how blessed I have been. You know how some people work so hard on some things and still get heart-broken after? And how some people find it hard to let go of things and people that they’re stuck in "that moment" for a very long period of time… I’m glad I have good friends and my faith is strong. I guess I’ve been doing good deeds after all, to deserve all that has been given to me. And yes, I do give back and share what I receive (that’s very important, as what Mamu has taught me). I’ve completed the "circle of karma" and I am thankful to come out unscathed.

And now… to Anilao we go!!!

This Christmas feels specially different… a new job (but with the same peers) — I was with Info for 4 years! A new environment had me read "Who Moved My Cheese"!!! Bayleigh asked for a TV instead of the usual "Mom, buy me Bratz", Bebs is going home to Ormoc for the holidays… It’s Bayleigh’s last Christmas in preschool. *Sigh* Feels weird. Oh well, it must be the age (you stop counting after 25, they say). I guess I’m working on bigger goals now. Bayleigh will be in Prep by June (at St Scho Mla), and I will have to work harder to achieve more. I’m secure with everything else in life — and I’m very thankful for that. I’ve been blessed with so many things and so many people! I have a couple of bridges I need to gap, but I know things will be settled in time. Right now, I feel sooo… blah. I can’t even describe it. (And me being at a loss for words is something that’s more unlikely than seing a blue moon…) So 2 words for now… Thank you.

yep, the year is almost over.

when i become a year older, i’ll be celebrating it buying presents for all the kids in the family and trying to find the perfect gift for bayleigh. then comes christmas — earl’s birthday is up next, and the year will be officially over.

bayleigh’s going to st scho na next year. and as for me… we’ll see where i’ll be (hahaha!)

for now, i’m focusing on something that’ll make the world flip over ;P and working on gaining weight as well (been successful so far, don’t you agree?) — sarap kumain!

And it just happened.

Just the other day, she asked me why her name is By-Le-ig-huh, as she read her name after writing it on a piece of paper.

Here are some of the uncommon words she spelled out correctly on her own: Mom, Dad, Lolo, Lola, Anton (her cousin), Mari (her other cousin), Narda (her favorite song). And dig this: she has memorized Iris… and she sings it to me when I sleep.

It started with 2-letter combinations, and now she can even spell 5-letter words. I am sooo proud of Bayleigh. I can’t ask for anything more.

Wait… "sports car, yung red!!!" Hahaha!

i think i’ve been trying too hard to make it better for you that things have just been falling apart all the more.

i’ve been trying to do so many things at the same time that things end up half-baked instead.

i’ve been trying to tell you so much all at once that you end up not hearing nor understanding anything.

which is why i’m gonna stop trying and just go with the flow. as long as we have each other baby, everything’s gonna be fine. i got this hunny. mommy’s got your back.

…just don’t grow up too soon okay?

I’m at a loss for words trying to describe how I feel. The thought of 4 years having gone by and looking at Bayleigh all grown up — it’s overwhelming.

Bayleigh wants me around all the time, hangs on to me like a ref magnet — begging that I go to work during the day. God heard her prayers I guess, I’m in the morning shift this week. But that’s it. I’m moving back to the night shift next week, which I prefer. I get to to accomplish more, there’s less traffic, I get to cook our food and go to the grocery, bank’s open, I’m home during the day — when Bayleigh’s awake, and I’m around in case of emergencies.

My night diff is my buffer for tax — the government takes sooo much from my pay, it makes me cuss everytime I feel the bumps on the road, and see flooded streets (…becoming an active citizen eh?).

I’m starting to save up for Bayleigh’s big school. Prep in St Scho is 55k — add the yearly minimum 15% increase and do the math. It makes me wonder how Mamu got all 3 of her daughters thru the same school till high school and my 2 brothers to Letran. Let’s not forget about college too. I guess it pays to have bankers as parents, they know how to budget money very well. But I’m not a banker. I’m a mom who wants to give her daughter everything, simply because she deserves it.

Parenting depends on who’s talking, not on who you’re talking about. There’s no such thing as "spending enough time" with your kids, it just never seems to be enough. The thought that every move I make can affect an innocent life forever makes me shiver. And I value the idea that I am Supergirl and all-knowing to a little angel.

Belated Happy Mom’s Day to me. Ha!

Josefina Romualdez-Hocson

March 20, 1947 - September 1, 2002

I was lying next to her with her face in my hands. I whispered to her, “Go towards the light Mama… Follow the light”. Everyone was praying the Holy Rosary as she struggled to take one breath after another. Then I finally had the guts to say it…”Yes Mama, you can go. Don’t worry I’ll be okay. I’m going to make it. I’ll be okay.” This is when I started crying profusely. As everyone finished the Rosary, she took her last breath, as if on cue. And she was gone.

In 1991, Mamu was diagnosed of breast cancer. She had to undergo chemotherapy and I stayed with her at the hospital, as my brother’s alternate. She survived cancer and never lost her hair despite the chemo sessions. She became more religious and had a greater zest for life.

March of 2002, a day after her birthday, she was told by her doctors that cancer was suspected to have recurred. After more tests, it was confirmed to have spread to her lungs. And this time, it was more aggressive. By August, in a span of 5 months of being in and out of the hospital almost every other weekend — she was confined for more than 3 weeks. This was when the deterioration was way too evident to even hope for spending Christmas with her.

The day my brother told me that cancer spread to her brain and that she will lose her sight and speech soon, I cried so hard I fell asleep. No. Please, not my Mamu. I prayed for a couple more months so I can prepare myself — and there was an answer. I was given 11 years and what was done? — Nothing. It was time for her to join our Creator. It was her time to reap her greatest reward – eternal happiness and peace.

Now, after 4 years by September, I’m ready. It’s time to move on. I should stop trying to evade it. She’s not just in Leyte going island-hopping or talking to the nuns in different schools… or attending her Zonta meetings. She’s gone, and she will never come back. It’s high-time that I let her go.

For those who knew Mamu, those who saw us together when she used to hang-out at Friday’s G3 with me (while I was pregnant with Bayleigh) — you all know how hard this could be for me. And I hope and pray that when my time comes, Bayleigh will speak of and be proud of me just as I am so proud of you, Mamu.

I love you sooooo much.

I miss you.